11-21-11 Changing Plans

So yesterday I went to youtube and looked at videos of people that had gone camping in Yellowstone.  

Yellowstone in July is crowded with humans, bears are at their most protective of their young, and it turns out Yellowstone is prairie.  Now why I didn't glom onto that fact while researching and looking at pictures of bison, is beyond me. 

I don't like prairies.

I don't like crowds.

AND I AM TERRIFIED OF BEARS.

There were videos of campers setting up their tent camps and then turning on their ipod bose powered heavy rock music.  What???  The don't seem to realize how far noise carries in the woods.  And they showed how close all their neighbors were.  Ick.

Did I mention there were bears?  

These idiots are having a grand old time with a bear attacking their car!  The bear just comes up to it, with no provocation (like a furiously barking dog) and pounds on the windows and mouths the outside mirrors.  And the family just sits there.  JUST SITS THERE LAUGHING.  Holy crap!  

I would have run over that bear so damn fast.  People, Bears Eat People.  I am a person.  I don't EVER want to meet another bear.  When I lived out in the woods on the Olympic Penninsula, I would occasionally see a bear from my kitchen window.  I always grabbed my rifle and waited to see if the bear would require action on my part.  

Now those were just little old black bears, and I was living in their woods.  I got that.  And they never really paid any attention to me.  Or came too close.

Yellowstone has Grizzly Bears.  Nope.  Not gonna go.

Need to rethink this plan.  

There are books by Ansel about Rainier and the Cascades.  Much closer, in rescuing distance if the trailer goes wonky, and I can take the dog easily.

AND NO GRIZZLY BEARS.

And not so many people.  And, most importantly of all, I love the topography here.  I love huge mountains, rushing water, Puget Sound and it is all safe to touch.

In Yellowstone, there may be volcanic crap, but you can't touch it.  They have poisonous water, boiling water, rattlesnakes, scorpions, hot earth, bears and huge animals that are scary to be so close to.  

I am staying closer to home.  I will adapt this adventure accordingly.  Perhaps learning about Emerson, Muir and reading Ansel's books on how to take pictures will develop into a great idea on its own.  And continue his work using his ideas out here..............something to think about.

11-15-11 Soggy

Sadly, I didn't realize that one of the windows in the trailer was open.  Since we last went camping months ago, it has had a ton of time to let the rain in.

I am very sad.

The bedding had to be all thrown out.  WAAAAAAHHHH.  I had the perfect sleeping set up.  I found this fabulous 5 inch thick memory foam on the side of the road and had put that on the mattress we had down in the basement from when JR's mom had come to visit (we did not put her in the basement, we were just keeping the extra mattress there!).  It was the softest, most wonderful nest ever.

And it is now in the back of the truck headed for the dump.  Covered in mold and soaked through.

Sigh.

It was a beautiful day here and I was fixing the spot on the front of the trailer where the metal had been twisted a bit from hitting the back of the truck that one time it fell off the hitch (before learning about locking it on!!).  And once that was done, I thought I would poodle around the inside and check it out, clean it up, get it ready for a winter sleep.  Luckily there was no moldy smell, and I was happily puttering away putting things away and reorganizing.  I had just poked my head out to talk to JR and tell him that I had finally made a decision about taking the truck and the trailer, that since I had the trailer and the truck and I loved the trailer, I was just going to take it and that was the end of that.  No buying or renting anything new.

As I was saying this and folding the extra set of sheets that Kate had used, I noticed that the mattress had a funny stain on it.  And bam!  I realized the entire bed was soaked.  I think the vent was not closed properly and the side window was completely open.  I checked the big back window, but that seemed just fine, all sealed and happy.

So now it is back to Craigslist to find new bedding.

Bummer...........but at least I made a decision about HOW to camp on the adventure.

11-14-11 Where do I fit?

So many things seem to be coming together for this little adventure!  As if all of my interests have been leading to this point.  It combines my love of researching (almost anything), my love of photography, camping and even my love of driving. 

I am pleased beyond belief to report that the book I found in the library by Ansel himself, contains a whole page of his instructions on how to get the best photographs in the two parks!  I don’t understand all of the instructions, but that is yet something else I can look up.

I had been reading a book called “The Happiness Project”, well, still am reading it, I tend to read 3 or 4 books at the same time.  It is a wonderful treatise on how to be happy, what it means and how to achieve it for yourself. 

I seem to have been struggling my entire life with how I fit into the fabric of American life.  I am not good at being a 9-5 worker.  I cannot force myself to do it.  It makes me so UN-happy.  My life as a pastry chef was the closest I have ever come to being completely happy with working for someone else full time.  I would wake up filled with excitement about what I would make that day.  But even as I say that I realize that one of the reasons that I loved it so much was that I had the bake shop all to myself.  It was in a resort hotel in New England.  I didn’t have set hours, and no one told me what to make.  There was total autonomy. 

I have never been truly driven by the almighty dollar.  Very un-American of me, I know.  I always wanted just enough.  Just enough to pay the bills and have enough to enjoy my “not working” time with my interests.  But that means that I have not really been very good at getting ahead.  I will not do better than my parents have. 

But maybe there is something about the autonomy of life that I must have.  I know that I am smart.  Always have been.  Learning is super easy for me, and I think very quickly.  Lately due to the chemo drugs I must take for the rest of my life, there have been cognitive disruptions.  And I believe that I may be slightly depressed by that.  I cannot remember things the way I used to.  It is really a “brain fog”.  Sometimes it is very hard to think, I lose words all the time now, and holding complex ideas in my head without notes is very very hard. 

Which is another reason this project is so good for me.  It feels like the first real thing that has held my interest and gotten me excited for the future.  Sadly, my autonomy has cost me my law practice I think.  Since I never had any staff, once I stopped taking new clients so I could catch up on the old ones (and given the cognitive disruptions, that was very overwhelming) the business seemed to die. 

Don’t tell anyone, but I don’t really miss it.  What I miss is the income, and the satisfaction of helping people.  But I don’t trust my brain anymore not to make mistakes that won’t be caught until years from now (since I do estate planning) and I won’t be able to fix them by then. 

That plays into my struggle of where do I fit.  Since I don’t think I can find an office job that can accommodate my changing health concerns, and I don’t fit the American work ethic, where DO I fit in?  Each day is so different with regard to side effects of the drug.  Some nights I cannot sleep at all, despite taking a sleeping pill.  The next day I am so tired I can barely move.  Some days I am just stuck in a cycle of fatigue that doesn’t seem to be tied to sleep at all, just a side effect.  Then there are the days filled with pain that I have to take dilaudid or morphine for.  And most days include dashes to the restroom.  What employer is going to be able to allow 15 minute bathroom breaks all day long?

I cannot remember what someone just told me, and time sometimes just slips away.  Today it is already 2:15 in the afternoon.  How did that happen?  What did I do with the day other than walk the dog?  I have no idea.  I took some chicken out of the freezer to make cordon bleu for dinner.

Then I wonder, why am I beating myself up for this?  I do have a part time job that pays my basic bills.  I am keeping house for my husband, being a good dog mommy, I cook daily (although we go out a fair amount too).  And on top of all that, I have leukemia. 

I am doing really well in my quest to be a better housekeeper, albeit that meant hiring a cleaning service once a month to do the deep cleaning.  But the daily chores of housekeeping are going remarkably well.  It turns out that a full on press of effort to put everything away or give it away or throw it away has a positive effect on the cleanliness of the house.  With all surfaces cleared off, it is much easier to see things that are not put away, and to then put them away.

And yet……………and yet……………….I do beat myself up.  I compare myself to my friends, who are remarkably successful in their law careers.  I compare myself to my parents at my age.  By my age, they had each seemed to be more financial stable. 

Ah the self critical eye that only having enough resources can afford. 

I am supremely humbled by my loving husband’s attitude.  He is always there to pick me up off the floor and pat my head and tell me that he loves taking care of me.  That I do contribute to the family.  That I matter.

Why can’t I hold that thought?  

11-11-11 Veteran's Day and Test Results

It looks like it might not be a good idea to bring the dog.  Sigh.

Both parks are quite adamant about restrictions.  Yellowstone allows dogs on 6 foot leashes, 100 feet from the roadway but that is it.  They are not allowed on the boardwalks.  I have been told that I am going to want to go on the boardwalks to see the geothermal aspects of the park.  Pets may not be left in vehicles, the only exception is if you are in sight of the car.  

Grand Tetons is worse.  Not allowed more than 6 feet from the roadway.  

They both warn how dogs are bait for bears.  

I am terrified of bears.

I shall have to ponder this some more.  

I talked to my friend Kate and she is on board with the trip!  If I cannot take my best friend (canine), I can at least go with my best friend (human).  She has been to Yellowstone before and was the source of the information about the boardwalks.  She also thinks it will be hard to find open campsites.  She might be correct.  But the parks are both surrounded by national forest.  So really, if we can't stay inside the parks, we should be able to find forest service roads we can pull over on and camp.  

So now back to the choice of vehicle.  Renting a minivan or SUV is way too expensive.  $1000 for two weeks.  Nope.  New plan.  What about a canopy for the truck?  The truck is in great shape, low miles and I just had new tires, new ball joints and a general fix it done.  But it turns out canopies are expensive too.  This needs more investigation.  If the dog is not coming, we don't need the extra room in the cab for him, and can probably pack all we need to tent camp in the back of the truck (this much I do know).  But am I brave enough to tent camp in bear country?  I am not sure about that answer.

Last night I was up most of the night, it is the 4th night out of 5 that I just could not sleep.  I get about an hour in and then wake ALL the way up.  This time I think part of it was knowing that JR was going to call me in the middle of the night to pick him up.  Totally my fault.  I had the car that day, he took my truck to work.  I wanted my truck.  So I put the leash on the dog and we walked 1.2 miles to his office, downhill the entire way.  With my wonderful dog pulling me the whole way.  My calves were burning by the end, I had been having to take such small mincing steps to keep my balance and try to not get pulled to the ground by a very excited dog.  I think that putting together a workout with him will be a good idea, so that I am in better shape when I get to Wyoming and can easily do some of the hiking necessary to take the Ansel shots.

I had the car because I had gone to the oncologist yesterday for my 3 month check up.  The cancer center is in Seattle, and it is much easier to park the car in the garage than my huge truck.

I checked in in the lab and waited for my name to be called.  The guy that drew my blood had done it before, he is a very nice guy, but has some medical problems of his own, he looks a little like Quasimodo, there are odd large lumps on his neck and back.  Poor fellow.  And for some reason he didn't like the look of the vein that always works.  I have the crappiest veins!  They roll away and then collapse if you actually hit them.  I have learned that as I sit down, I apologize for my crappy veins, tell them that to best get blood out of me, they should use a pediatric needle and a butterfly, and then I point to my one good vein.   He didn't like it.  Kept patting it trying to get it to raise up.  Now this vein is sitting right, and I mean RIGHT under the skin.  You can see it clearly.  It is on the outside of my right elbow in the fleshy area just below the joint.  It doesn't hurt too much if you need to poke around there.  

He still doesn't like it. 

He looks at my other arm.  The one with no visible veins.  Except for one on the inside of my forearm, in that really thin skinned area, the one that hurts like a MF if you poke around in it.  He decides that is the perfect spot.  I take a deep sigh.  I am usually pretty vocal about blood draws.  I know my veins really well at this point.  But for some reason, I decide to let him have his way.  He doesn't know it, but I will only allow one stick per vampire.  If he misses, I will ask for someone else.  

He hits on the first stick.  

And it HURTS.

But he got it. 

I go to lunch at the cafe on the 2nd floor and have some soup (not very good soup unfortunately, sometimes their food is great, but not yesterday).  And I get a glass of water and a cookie.  

My appointment is an hour after the blood draw, gives them time to process the blood for the CBC (complete blood count).  But the PCR (the one that detects the actual cancer cells) will not be back until next week.  It just takes longer I guess.

I go up to the 4th floor and check in.  I am called very quickly.  Unusual.  Hmmm, I think to myself, this could be good, I know that I have one of the first appointment of the day for Dr. Oehler.  I deliberately make that so.  I go back, they weigh me.  Sigh.  I lost a couple of pounds, but not much.  My blood pressure is 112 over 67, my pulse is a nice 70, and my temperature is my normal, 97.7.  

The nurse leaves and I sit and wait for the doctor.  And I wait, and I wait.  My appointment is for 1:30.  Sometime after 2 Dr. Oehler arrives.  And I forgive her immediately.  She is the best doctor on the planet.  We are about the same age, and she is so understanding and compassionate.  I instantly feel safe and better.  I am still having tummy problems and had almost just run to the bathroom.  Glad I waited.  

The results?  Perfect.  My WBC (white blood count) is a very normal 6.7.  And even my calcium has come up.  We were talking about that at the last appointment, she is concerned due to my age and the fact of the hysterectomy, we won't know when I really go through menopause without testing for it.  So I think that next time she ordered a bone scan, and depending on the result of that, will determine if we do hormone testing.  

We chat about her upcoming 50th birthday and where she and her girlfriend will go.  I thought we were done, but then she did a physical exam, all fine.  If the tummy issues don't go away after the antibiotic treatment is done, I should call her and she will prescribe something to um, help.  

I am done and go out to schedule the next visit in February.  Dr. Oehler will send me my PCR results in an email.  She is so approachable and easy to get a hold of.  We talked about my new PCP (primary care physician) and she said to be sure to give him her email address, so he could ask her questions if he needed to.  I think that would be great.  

Did I mention that Dr. O has told me to get a flu shot?  I have resisted them every year.  I am too afraid that the shot will GIVE me the flu.  But she assures me that they will be giving me an inactive vaccine.  Then she leaned over and said, "The chances of you getting the flu from this are minuscule, but I grant you that if anyone is going to get the flu from an inactive vaccine, it will be you."

I have to admit, having my most trusted medical expert tell me that it is not all in my head, that I really do get more sick than the average person..........well, it makes tears well up.  I struggle greatly with feelings of in adequacy.   For some reason I am always afraid that I am faking it, that any one else would be able to power through.  Luckily, I married the most amazing man.  And when I am feeling that way, he looks me directly in the eye and says "Horseshit!"  

I love him.

So what did we do for Veteran's day?  We took advantage of the free food offer at a local brew pub.  They had some new items on the menu and we realized that if I ordered the double cheeseburger, it was only a dollar more than the regular burger that I usually get (and eat only half of, JR usually finishes it for me).  So I ordered the double and asked for a piece of aluminum foil as well.  The second patty was for the dog, you saw that coming right?

Very happy dog.  

And a very proud army wife I am too.  

Ansel Adams Adventure Begins

Today I began to think about this trip in earnest.  Came up with a great idea for either renting a minivan or an SUV, that way my old truck doesn't have to add on a bunch of miles and the dog would be more comfortable.  

Chase and I walked one of his favorite walks today.  We call it Lake Wagatail.  But its real name is Wapato Park (http://www.metroparkstacoma.org/page.php?id=285).  Beautiful little lake with tons of birds.  They are upgrading the trail around the lake so that it is all paved.  This is the lake where I have gotten wonderful pictures of eagles landing and sitting and screaming back at the crows who are trying to dive bomb them.  

The lake is surrounded by trees, some of which are deciduous and are in full color right now.  It was a beautiful walk.  As we were leaving the house to get there, I thought about different ways to walk the dog so that my hands are free to take pictures (when we get to Yellowstone), so I ran one leash around my waist, then attached that to a short leash (2 ft) that was attached to his collar.  This worked remarkably well and we managed to stay hooked together that way the whole walk.  This idea is a keeper.  No shoulders were pulled against, no arms tugged.  A few times I was pulled a little off my feet towards something he wanted to investigate.  But not bad for a first try.

After our walk,  about a mile, we got back in the truck and headed for the main Tacoma library.  I wanted to do a little research into the Yellowstone project.  I wasn't sure if Ansel Adams had even gone to Yellowstone. 

Nor was I even sure that reference librarians even existed anymore. 

They do.  On the 2^nd floor of the library.  There were three women behind a circular desk over by a bank of computers that were in use, must have been about 50 of them, didn’t realize that libraries had increased like that.  My own pet peeve about the new modern library has been the death of the card catalog.  I have found so many cool books and ideas by just browsing the card catalogs of different libraries.  Very sad that now you are only given what you ask for.  Which is why I want to the human librarians to start my search. 

“I am looking to start a research project, I want to put the dog in my truck, head out to Yellowstone and the Grand Tetons, and recreate Ansel Adams trips and photography.  I am not even sure that he went there.”

A burst of energy erupted from my three little librarians.  There was the older woman, who was clearly the head librarian.  A middle aged (as I am) woman, who got excited because she had been there three times and thought this was a great idea, and a younger woman, who it seemed was being trained in how to research.  I could be wrong about that, but older woman looked over her shoulder and directed the search inquiries. 

“This is the first time you are looking at this?  You haven’t googled this?”  Was the first reaction from them. 

“No, this is my first stop.”

More excited research goes on, tiny notations are being developed on old card catalog index cards.  My sadness about the old card catalog reared its head and I look over to the stack they are using for scratch paper and see an old entry for a book on the FCC, an Economic History.  Ugh.  Well, they can’t all be winners.

But I realize as I talk to middle aged woman, that the other two are not quite getting it.  Older woman has co-opted the line of thinking and she has gone off on a tangent that I don’t want.  So I pay more attention to her, and realize that she is doing some odd search that requires 4 words.  Now why she needs 4 words is a mystery.  And why the word “and” has to be in this search is beyond me.  She has come up with “Adams and Yellowstone Park”.  This is not helpful to me, as Adams is such a common name.  So I ask, “Why don’t you replace Adams with Ansel, it is much more unique and will a more directed search.” 

The looks I got were priceless.  You could see the thought appear, who does she think she is?  WE are the reference librarians and WE know how to research.  But then the content of what I have said sinks in, and it is acknowledged that Ansel might be a better search term.  I still haven’t figured out why they need the word ‘And” since in a Boolean search you just use the ampersand.  But when I bring up the word Boolean I get blank stares.  Sad.

Then the idea of going to the special collection comes up and they are off to the races about me getting the “Morgan book”.  I will have to ask for it, it is in a locked collection.  I take a look at their notes and I see that there are a bunch of call numbers all written down, with almost no notes other than the numbers, and they are just chicken scratched all over the tiny page. 

They hand me the tiny page and start talking about how unique this search was, what fun it would be.  I look at them and ask, “Are you serious?  No one has done this before?”  “Nope, never been done. You should write this book, we would love to buy it!”  I get very excited about this.  “Let us know how it is going!” they call after me as I head out on my adventure!

Off I go to the special collections area.  I have never been there, didn’t even know it existed.  And there is another set of librarians sitting up there.  Who have no idea what I am asking, as there is an entire room devoted to Morgan, and archived stuff down in the basement that might have to be brought up.  So I give up on that idea and am guided over to the section on Northwest exploration.  Very cool.

The special collections room is beautiful.  It is a rotunda with large glass windows, marble floors and gold colored handrails.  The books are arranged in radiating shelving and there is a plaque thanking Carnegie for donating the money for the library.  I had known that Carnegie had donated a huge amount to public libraries and knew about the one on Greenlake in Seattle, but didn’t realize that the main library in Tacoma was also one.  I had only ever been in the new section of the library to look for mystery books and browse the new books sections. 

As I wander around the 979 area, I find a section on Yellowstone (about 5 books).  Eureka!  But it is in the 978 section.  Hmmm.  My little librarian friends have neglected to add this to my list. 

And I find a book called “Death in Yellowstone.”  Interesting.  So I take it out and read through the introduction.  The author is a former park ranger who then goes to law school and is fascinated by the personal injury law suits that arise from the park.  So he starts a research project into death by nature and death by mankind.  And gets his gruesome findings published.  I start to read the first chapter.  It is an horrific story of a man whose dog got loose, jumped in a hot spring, and the man goes in after the dog.  I will not related the details here.  Suffice it to say, yuk!  And I am taken aback.  Should I not bring the dog with me????  But my dog is not that stupid.  The dog in question was a great Dane, NOT known for their acumen.  And my dog doesn’t like the water. 

I reshelve that one.  And go down to the first floor to look at the other numbers the librarians have given me.

I go to the photography section first, and find 4 books on Ansel Adams.  I take all 4 out and go and sit down to look at them.   I find by flipping through the pictures, that indeed Ansel has gone to both Yellowstone and Grand Tetons!  Excellent, my idea has merit!  I also find a timeline in the back of one of them, detailing when he has gone.  Woo Hoo! 

My tummy is starting to feel odd. I slept very hard last night, having had two bad nights in a row previously.  And am slightly fuzzy today, can’t seem to wake up all the way.  And my tummy has been odd for two weeks now.  Very rumbly and um, active.  I have been spending a great deal of time in the bathroom.  Sigh.  I never know whether these things are side effects of the drugs, or that I am sick.  But since I just started on the antibiotics two days ago, this could also be push back on that.  Sigh.

I want to look up all the numbers they have given me, but I am running out of time before I must lay down.  So I walk back towards the 508 numbers (supposedly a road itinerary for Yellowstone) when I pass by the section on US Travel.  I stop, this isn’t on my page.  But right there on the end is a section on travel guides for get this, Yellowstone and Grand Tetons by Lonely Planet.  Yippee!  I take that out and notice that there are LOTS of books on the two right here.  Very colorful spines.  Except for this one old looking spine.  No pictures, no words.  I pull it out.

‘GRAND TETONS AND THE YELLOWSTONE PARKS”  by………you guessed it, Ansel Adams. 

My mouth drops open.  Why haven’t my three birdies found this one?  It is completely on point. 

I start to march up to the second floor to let them know about it.  I mean, they told me to let them know.   As I get to the top of the stairs, who is coming down, but the oldest birdie. 

“How is your search going?” she asks. 

I hold up my treasure and show her.  “This was not on your list and it is the holy grail.”

“Oh my, how wonderful that you can go off on your own and don’t rely on teachers for all your information. I shall let Shelly know.” 

I give up.  Walk back down the stairs and check out my three books.  Two on his photography and the travel book by him. 

Time for my nap now.  Tomorrow is my 3 month onc visit.  Blood draw at 12:30, dr. visit at 1:30.  I am somewhat nervous, but hope that nothing new is found.  That I am still holding steady with my numbers.


Later that same day:  I was playing with some of my photos and turned this one into a black and white.  I am amazed.  It looked good in color, but in black and white, it is stunning.

Thinking About Adventures

A friend has mentioned that they are going to go to Yellowstone next July.  I think I am going to go there as well.  I have always wanted to go to Yellowstone, Yosemite and the Grand Tetons.  So just a little bit of research has sparked some absolutely fantastic ideas.  And some questions and decisions to be made.

1. To camp or not to camp?  My trailer is a bit heavy to haul all that way.  But I could rent one from the MWR at McChord AFB, a little fiberglass jobbie, that would only run me about $200 for a week.  Camping at Mammoth Falls in Yellowstone is only $14 a night.  Or should I try to rent a cabin?  They are going to be over $200 a night.  This question is predicated on the answer to the next question......

2. Dog or no dog?  This is also a big question.  It is the perfect doggie adventure.  We would have a blast together.  And he would make me feel safer going out by myself......  But he is only allowed on a leash in the national Parks, and only 100 feet from the road.  This may not be a problem as I am terrified of bears and don't want to go into the back country by myself.....but there might also be stuff I want to do that he would have to be left alone for, thus the cabin v. trailer idea......I guess I could also just tent camp.  Sigh.  This is getting more and more muddled.

3.  Great idea!  Follow the footsteps of Ansel Adams.  Must also read up on John Muir and Ralph Waldo Emerson.

4. This will definitely be a photo journey.  Need to get better at understanding my beloved DSLR, and get used to using a tripod.  But using a tripod with a dog attached to my other hand......see we are back to question 2 above.  Hmm.  Must find out about tying the dog to my waist.  And also need a remote shutter thingie.....

more later..........big bang theory is about to start...........love that show!