So many things seem to be coming together for this little adventure! As if all of my interests have been leading to this point. It combines my love of researching (almost anything), my love of photography, camping and even my love of driving.
I am pleased beyond belief to report that the book I found in the library by Ansel himself, contains a whole page of his instructions on how to get the best photographs in the two parks! I don’t understand all of the instructions, but that is yet something else I can look up.
I had been reading a book called “The Happiness Project”, well, still am reading it, I tend to read 3 or 4 books at the same time. It is a wonderful treatise on how to be happy, what it means and how to achieve it for yourself.
I seem to have been struggling my entire life with how I fit into the fabric of American life. I am not good at being a 9-5 worker. I cannot force myself to do it. It makes me so UN-happy. My life as a pastry chef was the closest I have ever come to being completely happy with working for someone else full time. I would wake up filled with excitement about what I would make that day. But even as I say that I realize that one of the reasons that I loved it so much was that I had the bake shop all to myself. It was in a resort hotel in New England. I didn’t have set hours, and no one told me what to make. There was total autonomy.
I have never been truly driven by the almighty dollar. Very un-American of me, I know. I always wanted just enough. Just enough to pay the bills and have enough to enjoy my “not working” time with my interests. But that means that I have not really been very good at getting ahead. I will not do better than my parents have.
But maybe there is something about the autonomy of life that I must have. I know that I am smart. Always have been. Learning is super easy for me, and I think very quickly. Lately due to the chemo drugs I must take for the rest of my life, there have been cognitive disruptions. And I believe that I may be slightly depressed by that. I cannot remember things the way I used to. It is really a “brain fog”. Sometimes it is very hard to think, I lose words all the time now, and holding complex ideas in my head without notes is very very hard.
Which is another reason this project is so good for me. It feels like the first real thing that has held my interest and gotten me excited for the future. Sadly, my autonomy has cost me my law practice I think. Since I never had any staff, once I stopped taking new clients so I could catch up on the old ones (and given the cognitive disruptions, that was very overwhelming) the business seemed to die.
Don’t tell anyone, but I don’t really miss it. What I miss is the income, and the satisfaction of helping people. But I don’t trust my brain anymore not to make mistakes that won’t be caught until years from now (since I do estate planning) and I won’t be able to fix them by then.
That plays into my struggle of where do I fit. Since I don’t think I can find an office job that can accommodate my changing health concerns, and I don’t fit the American work ethic, where DO I fit in? Each day is so different with regard to side effects of the drug. Some nights I cannot sleep at all, despite taking a sleeping pill. The next day I am so tired I can barely move. Some days I am just stuck in a cycle of fatigue that doesn’t seem to be tied to sleep at all, just a side effect. Then there are the days filled with pain that I have to take dilaudid or morphine for. And most days include dashes to the restroom. What employer is going to be able to allow 15 minute bathroom breaks all day long?
I cannot remember what someone just told me, and time sometimes just slips away. Today it is already 2:15 in the afternoon. How did that happen? What did I do with the day other than walk the dog? I have no idea. I took some chicken out of the freezer to make cordon bleu for dinner.
Then I wonder, why am I beating myself up for this? I do have a part time job that pays my basic bills. I am keeping house for my husband, being a good dog mommy, I cook daily (although we go out a fair amount too). And on top of all that, I have leukemia.
I am doing really well in my quest to be a better housekeeper, albeit that meant hiring a cleaning service once a month to do the deep cleaning. But the daily chores of housekeeping are going remarkably well. It turns out that a full on press of effort to put everything away or give it away or throw it away has a positive effect on the cleanliness of the house. With all surfaces cleared off, it is much easier to see things that are not put away, and to then put them away.
And yet……………and yet……………….I do beat myself up. I compare myself to my friends, who are remarkably successful in their law careers. I compare myself to my parents at my age. By my age, they had each seemed to be more financial stable.
Ah the self critical eye that only having enough resources can afford.
I am supremely humbled by my loving husband’s attitude. He is always there to pick me up off the floor and pat my head and tell me that he loves taking care of me. That I do contribute to the family. That I matter.
Why can’t I hold that thought?
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